Oh, Tuan Allah

Growing up in an agnostic, nominally Taoist, peranakan household, I frequently heard my late grandmother saying, "Tuan Allah saja tau (only God knows)," when commenting on a wide range of topics, from what was going on in her children's minds to why there were thunderstorms out of season. 

Would she have said the same about the ongoing Allah debacle?

I wouldn't because it has nothing to do with God, religion or the faith of Malaysia's Muslims but everything to do with an incompetent government's need to distract the masses from the real problems facing them today – the failing economy, rising prices, widespread crime and corruption in high places.

When will this divisive and dangerous nonsense end?

Tuan Allah saja tau. 

In Gratitude

Without a doubt, 2013 is going to be remembered as Malaysia's annus horribilis. I have spent much of this year steeped in anger and frustration at the way our beautiful country is being destroyed by greed and incompetence. Yet, in a quiet moment after our family dinner,  when I thought about how I would describe this year that would soon be over, I was overwhelmed by a sense of gratitude for what I have.

I am grateful for my husband. Leo and I have known each other since 1978 and been together since 1987. That's a long time to be living out of each other's pockets. We've grown up together and are growing old together. It's not all sweetness and light but there is sweetness and he's my light. He's not perfect but neither am I, and there's no one else I'd rather spend this and every year with.

I am grateful for our children, who have grown up to become good and loving adults. It is very difficult to accept that one's children are ready to fly the nest and let go of their hands because I want to hold their hands and protect them forever. But ever so often, they'll reach out and hold my hand to help and protect me. And those are the sweetest moments in my life. 

I am grateful that my father and mother are still here with me. A tiny part of me will always be a little girl as long as I have my mama and papa.

I am grateful for my friends. There are friends I have known since school, friends I've made standing outside my children's school, friends of friends who have become my friends, friends who were once or still are my clients, friends with whom I've shared a cause. They are all wonderful because they fill my life with conversation, empathy and laughter.

I am grateful for my work. I could never be a tai-tai. But seriously, my work gives my days structure and purpose even though I'm flying by the seat of my pants most of the time trying to juggle deadlines. Not everything I do is great, sometimes it can be pretty trivial but once in a while, I write something that's just perfect and for a moment, all is right with the world.

So while I was thinking about everything I have to be grateful for, Leo starts watching a TedTalks video featuring David Steindl-Rast talking about gratefulness. Is the universe telling me that I'm on the right track? I know that I should spend 2014 thinking about what's going right as much as what's going wrong with the world. 

Happy New Year, my friends. 2014 will be full of challenges but may it also bring us peace in our hearts, joy and opportunities for gratefulness.

Wake

Today, I attended yet another wake, this time for my uncle who passed away on Sunday.

Our allotted time, however long or short, is but a flicker.

#apalagicinamahu

Let me tell you what this Cina wants. This Cina does not want to be referred to as Cina ever again. Call me bangsa Malaysia, rakyat Malaysia, orang Malaysia, warga Malaysia, anak Malaysia. Call me Malaysian. Thank you very much.

What's your vote worth

It's 1.30 am on the day before GE13. Cyberspace is swirling with stories of how BN is hedging its bets, from flying in phantom voters to blatantly buying votes in Penang. I'm feeling very disheartened. What sort of country will we wake up to on 6 May? If BN wins the election, it's legitimacy will be questioned not just by Malaysians but the international community. Even worse for us will be the knowledge that among our fellow Malaysians, there are those who sold their vote for a few hundred ringgit.

Notes from a Funeral

People always ask me what religion I practised or they would assume that I am a Christian because I spoke English so well. I used to say I was a Taoist largely out of respect for my parents and grandparents. However, as I get older, My answer is more often than not, I have no religion.

Don't get me wrong. I strongly believe in spirituality. I am sufficiently agnostic that I would not deny the existence of a Higher Being or even a Prime Mover.

And I am convinced that if God exists, religion, any religion, is not necessarily the path to His grace. Embracing a religion does not automatically make you a better person if it makes you arrogant, judgmental, disrespectful and unfilial.

This weekend was very painful for me because I witnessed just how religion could divide a family. I don't judge people for leaving the religion of their parents if they have found peace in another religion. But I cannot understand how they can hold themselves aloof from the rituals that meant so much to their parents and refuse to pay their final respects in the way their mother would have wished.

This weekend, I wept for my aunt. I wept for my cousin who was my aunt's sole mourner as his brothers watched from the sidelines. And I wept for my poor uncle who saw what awaited him at his own funeral.


- Posted using BlogPress

Changing Places

Last Sunday, my mother fainted. And a week later, she is still in hospital, now under observation after a stint in the Cardiac Intensive Care Unit. Yesterday, her doctor told us that she has sick sinus syndrome, which he says is caused by her heart's battery weakening. With the right medication, she'll be fine.

Today, I had to tell my mother that the doctor also said that she can no longer drive, that she cannot take care of my father singlehandedly as she had been doing for her entire married life. She wept and called herself useless. My heart broke.

I told her that she had spent her entire life taking care of us. Now it's our turn to take care of her. But she couldn't stop crying.

My mother is old school. When she got married, she gave up her life first to her husband and then her daughters. She never ever had to think twice about putting us first.

It's time we put her first.